The Six Pillars to Successful Relationships – Pillar 3

Emotional Honesty

Emotional honesty does not blame our self or others.  Emotional honesty is not about judging our behaviour or responses. It is about looking at things just as they are.

Being emotionally honest means we are forced to see that what we don’t like in others is actually in ourselves.  Once we are able to ‘see’ our role in creating the problem then we can then do something to ‘fix’ it and then we no longer are the magnet to that particular problem!

Easy!  Not likely!  The No.1 barrier to resolving a problem is to be emotionally honest!  And to be emotionally honest means facing things about ourselves that we have fought to hide in the past.  These are parts of the ‘shadow self’ that we dislike, or even hate, so owning up to them will create a fight with our ego.

The good news is that every human being possesses every trait, positive and negative, in one form or another. You can’t avoid some unpleasant personal characteristics – they go with the territory of being human.  Acceptance that we are not only loving, compassionate, caring … but also selfish, sulky, hateful … means that we no longer need to disown those parts of us that we judge as ‘bad or evil’.  Then we can be totally emotionally honest with ourselves and our partners.

So, when you are communicating with your partner be ‘in the now’ and show them the emotional being that you are, warts and all!  Many  people find it difficult to openly express negative reactions. We may fear that our response will be interpreted as criticism. Or we may feel ashamed of our own reactions, telling ourselves we should not feel the way we do.

Expressing a feeling is not the same as expressing demands.  Telling our partner that he or she is wrong about something, is not being honest, it is being judgemental. Basically, the expression of feeling should not carry judgemental baggage with it. Only by taking ownership and responsibility by expressing our own feelings, can we have the power to change things.

The Six Pillars to Successful Relationships – Pillar 2

Responsibility – Take responsibility for everything that happens to you in your relationship

Responsibility assumption is a doctrine in the personal growth field holding that each individual has substantial or total responsibility for the events and circumstances that befall them in their life.  WIKIPEDIA

Steven Covey talks about responsibility as  the “ ability to choose our response.”  We are unable to control anyone else, the only thing we truly have control over is our own inner thoughts and outer actions.

When we blame others we are relinquishing control over our lives.  If others are causing us pain then we are a victim.  If we blame, criticise, and complain—and then justify these actions—we are playing the role of the victim.  Being a victim is about giving away our power so that we can be powerful.

There is no point in being able to successfully prove beyond all reasonable doubt that it was definitely your partner’s fault!  So what?  If you are feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, disappointed … then it is you, and only you, that is actually feeling the pain.  If you look beyond the frustrating behaviours of your partner and look deeply and honestly within yourself, consider what are you doing that adds to the dynamic?

Then there is over-responsibility – which includes ‘feeling’ another’s feelings; taking over for, talking for, mediating for, or making excuses for someone else’s behaviour.  Being over-responsible is like taking the fast track to resentment; it’s unhealthy for you and for your partner. It also plays right into your partner’s likely behaviour of being under-responsible.

When we are over-responsible, we maintain our self-worth by trying to please and, even, control or change others.  When we are under-responsible, our lack of self worth takes a battering through being unable to cope with criticism and we feel a sense of failure.

The ability to respond positively to ourselves, helps us increase our ability to respond positively to others.  Taking responsibility means empowering yourself and empowering yourself builds self confidence and self worth.

If you don’t step up and embrace personal responsibility for what happens in your life, and make some conscious, positive changes, nothing in your relationship will change for the better.

The Six Pillars to Successful Relationships – Pillar 1

Communication

When we think of communication in relationships we are talking about information exchange.  The way to get information is to listen, listen and listen to your partner as they honour you by imparting to you the things that they know and feel.  All of us have an in-built need to be listened to, including your partner.

Many people, while outwardly listening, are inwardly preparing a response.  It is so easy to want to comment or defend or justify or to simply have our say.   We, as listeners, put up roadblocks to prevent us from really understanding the speaker.   Steven Covey‘s Habit 5 – “Seek first to Understand, then to be understood” – sums up very well what we as listeners need to do.

By silencing our personal chatter and our need to say something, and, detaching from the judgement of the spoken words, we open ourselves up to actually hearing our partner.  When we seek to listen and see our partner’s perspective, we build trust and co-operation.

Once we have given our partner the opportunity to express themselves by listening to them, they will give us the right to express our perspective – which often changes when we have understood where they are coming from.

Successful relationships truly seek to understand each other.

And remember: You cannot talk (whether it’s internal chatter or actual talking) and listen at the same time.

Happily Ever After!

We all know about the fairytale endings when two star-crossed lovers make the commitment to each other to spend the rest of their lives together … “and they lived happily ever after”. A frog and a princess, a beast and a beauty all fell in love … as children we believed it naively that happily ever after would happen and we still live in hope as adults!

Reality shows that when we get past the ‘rose-coloured glasses’ stage, our relationships hit us with the reality that neither our chosen one (or us) are perfect.  And lets face it, when two people ‘become one’, family backgrounds and upbringing, life experiences, personalities and expectations are intertwined, and often in opposition to each other.

Disagreements, clashes, challenges are part and parcel of any relationship.  Successful relationships are not those where there is no conflict but rather, they are the relationships that can resolve the differences no matter how complex, large or traumatic they are.

When the differences are resolved, the relationship becomes stronger, the bond is closer and true intimacy is being achieved.  Over the next few weeks, we will go through the steps to create a successful relationship, one where each person is growing emotionally and learning more about themselves and each other.

So stay tuned for the first step!